New Series: Chutki's Contemplations

Sorry, I have been away for a while. I have been trying to make some progress on writing my next book and it is taking a lot of my time!!

I have had a lot of requests to update readers on Chutki. Swami, me and Chutki have been trying to figure out how to do this effectively. I think we have finally found a way that works for everybody.

As part of her "Kaneez duties", Chutki is required to keep a detailed log/diary of her thoughts and feelings. She has been prolific in filling it up. These are some of her innermost thoughts and sometimes quite embarrassing for her to share and uncomfortable for Swami to read!! I don't know what she writes in her diary.  I felt uncomfortable reading it and so begged Swami to not force me to read them. Since I don't read the diary, he doesn't share anything that he reads in it with me.

But reading these have helped Swami understand Chutki's needs and cravings much better and have helped Swami create a better "Kaneez environment" for her. For example, while my Daasi soul is stirred thru service, the thirst in Chutki's soul it seems is quenched thru humiliation.

Chutki had an epiphany of sorts, when Swami suggested to her that the reason she has such a love-hate relationship with her Dad is because while her conscious mind rebels against him, her subconscious mind craves the perceived humiliation he heaps on her! That conflict has defined her volcanic relationship with her father. For example, he constantly reminds her that she is nothing without his support and his money and her life is built on his charity and this rankles her adult brain, but she clings to it like it were the only boat that could save her from drowning in the fast moving river of life.

My Swami is big on family relationships. He wants her to have a healthy relationship with her parents and right now this conflict is tearing father and daughter apart. So he suggested we try something for a change. How about if Chutki gets her "humiliation cravings" fulfilled in some other way, so that she can focus on being a "normal adult" with her Dad? That way, she would develop a more responsible and equitable relationship with him. Cutting the umbilical chord to her Dad as the sole feeder of her humiliation fantasies would perhaps help her normalize her relationship with him. Chutki loved the idea!!

So one of the therapies that Swami has designed for her, is to share her thoughts on this blog. To have your most innermost thoughts revealed, examined, commented and judged by others is perhaps the most uncomfortable and humiliating thing for anybody. Even I don't write my most secret thoughts on this blog!! Only Swami knows them!

Swami told Chutki that this would work only if she did not censor her thoughts as she entered them in her diary. Then Swami would randomly pick something that he felt should be shared here. At that time, those parts would be revealed to me and I would write them on this blog.

It was then that I learnt that Chutki had written things in there that she would be utterly humiliated to share with me!
"Isn't that the point?" asked Swami
Chutki looked at me and pleaded. "Didi, please don't judge me, these are just my ramblings"
I had no idea what she was talking about, so I told her not to worry.

Chutki had just returned from NY on an interesting trip and Swami decided that he would let me see her innermost thoughts from this trip and then have me share it on the blog.

Chutki's hands were trembling when she handed me the photocopy of the relevant pages.
"Didi, please don't get angry with me," she pleaded.

I read it, then re-read it a few more times. OMG! to bare all your feelings this way and then have them exposed! I took a deep breath. Having to blog about this would not only be humiliating for Chutki, it would be embarrassing for me as well! I looked at Swami. His eyes were full of kindness but firm. We had a long long long talk about it. Chutki cried a lot as we talked. Fortunately, I don't have to blog about that conversation here!! Finally we are all ready.

I started thinking about how to write about Chutki's contemplations effectively on this blog.

I have decided that I will write these in third person narration. I am going to discard the name Chutki and use another name to write about her thoughts. She will always be our Chutki, but for this series of writings, I need a new name. I researched a lot of names, and finally settled on one which is meaningful in this context. I shared it with Swami and Chutki. Swami laughed so much that he had tears streaming from his eyes.  Chutki was too embarrassed to say anything. She just murmured
"Whatever you feel is right Didi"

I also had to probe Chutki on a few things to understand her thoughts better. This was specially difficult and humiliating for her, but I must say she did it well :-)

The hardest thing for me is to convey her thoughts on this blog without accidentally inserting my own emotional, moral or ethical judgments about them, those I shared with Swami, however. If I didn't, I couldn't do this! My head would split. Swami has told Chutki that she can comment or add color to these postings as she sees fit.

She is waiting anxiously to see what I write here. I hope I am able to do justice to this!!

What name did I choose for her character?

Uloopi or Ulupi. That's all I will say for now. If you want to know anything more right away, Google the name :-)